Walking in His Grace - Yes to Thrive by JuanaBJoyful

December 15, 2014 at 3'sh am, I laid on an uncomfortable ER gurney  and was told by the Dr., that he had good and bad news from a CT scan that was done moments earlier. He asked which I wanted to hear first. I said give me the bad news 1st and he said, we found a "huge" mass on your kidney, which we are certain is cancer. I responded OK and the project manager in me wanted to know the next step. The good news was nearly irrelevant but it was that appendicitis or ..... (blur set in) were ruled out. Yippee, Hooray!

The cancer diagnosis did not shake me; however, I laid in that cold room, alone, with a cellphone without a charge and all I thought was the many regrets for things I may never experience. Things I postponed doing because of fear, waiting for retirement, not wanting to deplete my savings account. I thought of my only child and missing out on his wedding, the mother-son dance, not holding my grandchild, missing out on buying that 1st pair of Tiffany earrings from my baby princess (yes, I thought of that), my fear of rejection and putting up every single wall to LOVE. To die and never experience love....That is when tears streamed down my face and right then, I vowed to heal and to live without regrets, unapologetic and to Celebrate Life every single day, just because.

"No" and "I can't" are no longer part of my vocabulary. I remind myself that "Excuses are the tools of the incompetent" and that, I'm not. Whenever fear or uncertainty creeps into my mind, I tell myself, Cancer has not killed me and neither will doing whatever I'm afraid of.

I LOL (Live Out Loud) everyday. I do crazy things, because I can and because frankly my dear, I don't give a damn! Cancer has forced me to reconnect with the inner child in me. That little girl who at the age of 3 went to school and when the teacher told me to have a seat, I told her no thank you, because I have my own chair at home and stood the entire day. That child who at the age of 16, left her parents home and relocated 4,500+ miles to attend college at a time when cellphones, video conferencing (Skype, FaceTime, etc.) weren't conceptual. I was tough, determined and said Yes to making it in these United States. Yes, to making my parents proud. Yes, to making my sisters proud. Yes, to making it in life.

On December 15, 2014, I said Yes to CANCERvive, Yes to Living because on that day, I realized I simply existed and that made me extremely sad. I made a promise to myself, to walk out of that hospital and confront the biggest battle of my life but while I fight, I will LIVE. Cancer made me say Yes to Life and in 2015, I overcame many fears: I allowed myself to be vulnerable to LOVE and after 15+ years of being single, I said Yes to a date, I said Yes to Hot-air ballooning, sailing and going dolphin sightseeing. I said Yes to vacationing solo and cruising through one of the 7 wonders of the world (The Panama Canal) and didn't once fear the deep ocean. I said Yes to running my 5th and most important half marathon just 8 months after having a kidney removed to cancer and knowing that pesky dis-ease had spread to other organs.

So while I battle stage 4 cancer, you'll always see me putting my best foot forward. You'll find me often overcommitting but saying Yes because just before taking my last breathe, I want to smile remembering that I did it my way and I have no regrets. I said Yes to Living not just existing.

In Peace and PERFECT health,

--JuanaBJoyful

http://juanabejoyful.blogspot.com