Yes to Loving My Darkness by T Baker

When presented with the idea of saying “yes” in my life, I immediately cringed and saw a flashing red sign that read “challenge”.  What was funny was that I’d already told myself that 2016 was going to be the year that I challenged myself to grow and expand, to be the best me I could be.  Then I was presented with the ultimate challenge, say “yes!” Riigghhhtttt…. Be aware of what you put out into the universe…

So far, saying “yes” to the things that challenge me personally and will grow me has meant coming face to face with me fears and vulnerabilities.  What vulnerabilities? You may be asking this independent, ambitious, highly motivated, educated, black woman of the 21^st century…just wait for it.  But why was it so frightening to say yes to the things I really wanted?  To things that would push me to the next level?  Because like any other highly motivated, ambitious person, I have my own set of fear based demons (I hide them well).

In saying yes, I’ve uncovered that I had to become vulnerable and sit down with what makes me say “No” in the first place. I had to sit down with my fears and demons.  Sitting with the fears was a little easier than the demons. With the fears, I could name it, and allow my highly analytical mind to construct a logical, rational argument to quell and soothe the fear. However with the demons, ah the complex demons, I had to put in work. 

When dealing with demons, the first thing I thought I needed to do was purge them.  Purging demons!-sounded so easy. In my mind, purging a demon means holding it under water and drowning the crap out of it. In reality, and perhaps most beneficial, purging a demon means giving attention to that dark part of myself and loving it back to health. I used to be so quick to pledge my undying love to someone and vowing to love their dark parts, to love the cold void right out of them. I no longer volunteer to do this for other people, because we all know it usually never ends well. But how about I love my own dark parts? My own cold voids? And what would that look like?

So I did it, I set aside some time and got in good with my demon. My demon was wide and short, you see, demons eat self-hate and loathing for breakfast. My demon had gotten quite chunky. Anyway, I knelt down to my round chunky demon and asked “hey, there, demon monster, what’s your name?” My demon replied with gurgles, heavy breathing and a few explicatives “Tiha”.  Ahh crap, so there it is. Or rather, there she is, little, angry, disappointed, frustrated, severely neglected Tiha, was me, my inner child, long shut away and ignored.  Little Tiha had turned into a monster, my very own demon child, who threw tantrums and full on emotional assaults whenever I tried to move forward or grow without her. “I’m so sorry” I said to her. I pulled the monster demon child to me, gave her a hug and squeezed as much hurt and pain as I could out of her. I was going to love the darkness right up outta her. I was going to invite her into my heart, so she no longer had to live in that cold void.  She kicked, and screamed, scared and uncertain, but that was ok. Because loving her meant loving me. And loving me means saying “yes” to the loving, caring and nurturing things that will bring me closer to being the best Tiha I can be.  

 

P.S.  Tiha also said Yes to creating her website by the time of this post, check it out her website here  www.createyourpeace.life